Sunday, February 20, 2011

Wild Food becomes Extreme Food

The WildFood festival use to be about rustic food that was at least occasionally eaten by people in the country.  So of course testicles were a pretty common feature because there are a lot of farm animals who routinely have them removed, and--well--waste not, want not.  Also many kind of wild animal and insect that most people would probably eat if they got stranded on an island out of reach of fried chicken.

But now it has officially crossed the line into just challenging people to eat the grossest thing that is not actually toxic, and charging them for the privilege.  This year including shot glasses full of horse semen.  This is not something any rugged bushman would turn to as a sensible source of food.  It is offered purely for the gross out factor and is gross on many levels. 

After all, if you eat lamb testicles you are symbolically taking on the role of a hardy farmer and wrangler who chops them off in the course of his calling.  When you drink horse semen you are essentially taking on the role of the rubber vagina used by rich racehorse owners to wank off a scatter-brained luxury horse.  That's kind of on the other end of the masculinity scale when you think about.

Friday, February 11, 2011

That's Just Wrong #4

Putting water in bottles is a rather unnecessary increase of our mutual carbon footprint.  Shipping it from New Zealand to Chicago is just wrong.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Spanx You Very Much

I desided to get some Spanx.  Which is not anywhere as much fun as it sounds. Basically it is a singlet that makes you look thinner by its mighty powers of elastication.  I thought it might look me more like my mental picture of myself rather than the rumpled mess I usually am.  Also I have a keynote address coming up and something about being paid to talk makes me feel like I should look good doing it.'

So I went to the Spanx website and looked at the size guide.  In US clothing stores I am a 12 on a good day, a 14 on a bad day, and a 10 if I pay lots of money (thank you, Calvin Klein). Spanx declares 14 to be LARGE which I find faintly depressing. They have measurements too, but I am--like most civilised people--am on the metric system, so I just guess and order a 14 in a "super-duper" slimming level, because, what the hell. May as well go the whole hog, so to speak.

So this thing arrives.  I put it on and... nothing.  It is no tighter than a swimsuit, in fact it has a few wrinkles and folds and is designed for boobs placed considerably lower than mine are.  This thing is completely useless except as an extra under-shirt for cold days.  But, mission accomplished. The Spanx singlet has made me feel like a skinny bitch with perky boobs.  Thank you Spanx.

Friday, February 4, 2011

That's Just Wrong Friday #3

Two dollar note?  Two dollar note?  Why did nobody tell me about this?

Thursday, February 3, 2011

American Areolas

Why do companies who are ostensibly selling clothes, such as American Apparel, run so many advertising campaigns with models who are aren't wearing any?

I mean, seriously.  This ad could easily be selling boobs, peroxide or cloning technology, but clothes? What clothes?  Who the hell is looking at the clothes?

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