I desided to get some Spanx. Which is not anywhere as much fun as it sounds. Basically it is a singlet that makes you look thinner by its mighty powers of elastication. I thought it might look me more like my mental picture of myself rather than the rumpled mess I usually am. Also I have a keynote address coming up and something about being paid to talk makes me feel like I should look good doing it.'
So I went to the Spanx website and looked at the size guide. In US clothing stores I am a 12 on a good day, a 14 on a bad day, and a 10 if I pay lots of money (thank you, Calvin Klein). Spanx declares 14 to be LARGE which I find faintly depressing. They have measurements too, but I am--like most civilised people--am on the metric system, so I just guess and order a 14 in a "super-duper" slimming level, because, what the hell. May as well go the whole hog, so to speak.
So this thing arrives. I put it on and... nothing. It is no tighter than a swimsuit, in fact it has a few wrinkles and folds and is designed for boobs placed considerably lower than mine are. This thing is completely useless except as an extra under-shirt for cold days. But, mission accomplished. The Spanx singlet has made me feel like a skinny bitch with perky boobs. Thank you Spanx.