How I Love that Ass

She loved a rugged cowboy, 
but little did she know...
When he said "How I love that ass" 
he didn't mean his beau.

[Via Pulp International]

4Chan Heaven

She was an enormous floating head,

he was a man on a black horse.

It was a match made in 4Chan Heaven!

Yes, she is totally in the foreground.

The Price of Happiness

He was a wealthy orthodontist. He had a mansion; he had a sports car; he had perfect hair. He needed just one more thing to be truly happy.

A girlfriend whose mouth was filled with a single, gleaming, giant white tooth.

Classic Cover: Backstage

If Louis had been a leg man that would have been okay.  Even an ass or boob guy. 

But Susie finally understood the what was wrong with their courtship when Louis confessed all... and told her about his wrist fetish.

No wonder she had never managed to get him to show any interest in going "back stage".

Curtains for Sarah: a Cover Story

I should have been an easy job.  Sneak in, take down the curtains, and whip up a ravishing dress to match her lipstick.  But then Brett charged in.  "Oh no you don't," he declared. "Red is my signature color!"  And that was when the Captain found them.  It might help Brett whose masculinity was frequently questioned, but Sarah's reputation was ruined!

Facts of Life and Love

One of the unavoidable facts of life and love is, apparently, that blondes have more fun.  Other gems from this 1950 YMCA book include:

"Very few people are born with predetermined tendencies toward homosexuality."

"...a girl seems forward when she phones a boy."

"...women are less easily excited by sex stimulation...girls and boys alike, as well as almost everyone else, consider it the girls responsibility 'to keep the boys in line'."

Classic Covers: the Glorious Pool

Oops, we forgot to get cover art done for that smutty swimming pool book.

Eh, just trace over Miss August.  Nobody will know the difference.

What about the background?

Some basic shapes, bright colors, scribble in some grass there....

Bingo.  That'll do.  Nobody buys these things for the covers after all.

Classic Cover: A Stranger in my Arms

The reason our heroine finds herself in the arms of strangers may be that her idea of an intimate embrace involves grasping her man firmly by each lapel.  Or possibly she just can't find a man who her shares her passionate for interpretive dance.

Her: "You kneel on the floor behind me fully clothed, and I will close my eyes and reach backwards over my shoulders...."

Him: "Why are we doing this again?"

Her: "It will express our ineffable connection, and also do wonders for my lower back pain."

Him: "Screw this for a game of soldiers."

The previous title of this book was And Ride a Tiger, so maybe that is what actually happened to his lower extremities.

Upcoming Penetrator Review

Well, it seems Boone has called me on my threat to post a review of a book from the Penetrator series.  And if I mist read one, I think this is the one.  The cover alone promises...

• An erupting volcano.
• A luxurious moustache
• A beautiful blonde
• A vampire
• A man falling to his death
• and a hero with deformed butt cheeks.

I mean, seriously, what is going on with this dude's butt?

Because you asked for it....

re: Caption Contest

Here is the full cover.

The basic story is about a young man involved is hunting dog trials (hence the title) who is choosing between marrying the bosses daughters and... the blonde.

"Two of a Kind" is the title it was published under by Little Brown. The book seems to be more about dogs than gals, and the blonde gets the cover but not the ring.

I think it is more a case of the cover doesn't go with the book, than the title doesn't go with the cover....

Somewhere in the Pinnacle Art Department in the early 80s

So we want you to make a cover where he looks really, like, manly--you know. Because this guy is the ultimate he-man. He is... the Penetrator!

Um, he's what?

He's the Penetrator. And he is super macho so have him being super macho with a bimbo.

You mean fucking her?

Oh, God no. But there should be a half naked woman looking like she's really asking for it. And he should be there being really masculine. Like shooting a gun or something.

Shooting a gun at a naked woman?

Oh, God no. Just shooting a gun with something threatening there like a black guy shaking his fist, and there's a naked woman, and like... pointy stuff, pointing at her. Like all subtle and symbolic of how macho he is because....

He's the Penetrator.

Right!

Sigh.

#

Okay, that thing you did last time was okay, but a bit subtle.

A bit subtle?!
Yeah, I mean this guy, he's the Penetrator. And he is super macho so have him being super macho and a guy being shot.

Wouldn't that imply he was fucking the guy?

Oh, God no. There should be a half naked woman looking like she's really asking for it. And he should be there being really masculine; I mean REALLY manly. Like shooting a gun and holding a bomb or something. Make it really clear. And this women she's been shot....

You mean symbolically?
No, she's actually been shot. In the shoulder so you can sort of show part of her booby. That'll be sexy. There will be the woman who's been shot and the black guy being shot, and him with a gun being like the perfect man.

Because he's the Penetrator.

Right!

Sigh.


See also:
6 Very Unfortunate Book Covers

Mantitty Covers

...not a modern invention:


"Dan complained about the constant sexual harassment from the gorgeous women who flocked around him. Cynics remarked that if it really bothered him so much, he would put on a shirt."

Not really, but the real blurb is pretty dull.

Classic covers: Claudia

If the pink hair bow wasn't enough of a warning, check out this virtuoso performance of the "crazy eyes." I just bet that if you marry a gal like this, you'll get enough material for a novel.

But will it be a romance or a horror story?

Classic Covers: Sigrid and the Sergeant

Double amputee, Sergeant Smith, was skeptical about Sigrid's idea to enter the piggy-back race. But went she turned up to the event wearing a ball gown and high heeled shoes that was just taking things too far!

Classic Covers: Sex is Like Money

Don't miss the rest in this series:

* Food is like Love
* Truth is like Beauty
* Flares are like Totally Last Decade
and
* Riding Naked and Bareback on a Windswept Beach is like Vigorously Applying Sandpaper to Your Genitalia.

Classic Covers: the ultimate in zero tolerance....

See also:

Classic Cover: Rebel without a Button

Dungarees are teh ebil.

Classic Covers: Some Die Young

I think all of the ladies on classic covers must be closely related.

Or at least Miss "Die-Young" (1956) looks very similar to Miss "Kiss-Deadly". They also seem to share a tendency to make questionable life choices whilst in their nightwear.

But if-slash-when either of them does die young, they can pass away safe in the knowledge that their hair and make-up is fabulous.

Classic Covers: Kiss Me, Deadly

My first thought, upon seeing this cover, was that the lady in the dressing gown was offering the dude a rather easy choice: lead or booby. But even if the platinum crayon is not the sharpest in the box, that isn't a very likely scenario.

Upon consideration I decided that she must have just pulled the revolver out of her robe. But that doesn't really scan either. You can't tuck a heavy gun in a lightly-tied terry-cloth sash. And pulling it out rapidly would probably result in seriously chafed nipple, a hole in your robe... oh, and blowing your own foot off.

I must admit to never having read this Mike Hammer classic, is there really a scene like the one shown on the cover? I have to read the damn thing and find out. I don't remember anything fo the sort in the movie (1955) (which drops the patently unecessary comma in the title). But honestly it is the nightmare inducing final act that sticks in my mind rather than the rampantly noir femme-fatale-ing along the way.

Classic Covers: Handsome

Mr Handsome was born with devastating eyebrows. With a single arch girls would sigh and women would swoon. But even he was somewhat impressed to find he could wield his eyebrows with near lethal effects even when the lady was standing behind him. Perhaps, he pondered as she lay slung over his shoulders, it was the "charm" bracelet she wore that amplified the effect?